38 Great Things About The Crow

1. NIGHTMARE INSPIRING HAPPINESS

2. NO SKIMPING ON CGI CROWS

3. STREET-WISE TOUGH KID (I.E. DICK TRACY)

4. LOOKS A LOT LIKE SPAWN

5. GREAT CROW POV,

ALTHOUGH THEY SKIMPED ON IT

6. JEFF HARDY IMPRESSION 7. INSPIRED STING'S

(THE PRO WRESTLER--NOT THE SINGER)

OUTFIT

8. KNIFE-CATCHING

9. PUSSIEST SOUNDTRACK EVER!
(SEE: MY LIFE WITH THE THRILL KILL KULT,
PANTERA AND ROLLINS BAND)

10. LOOK! IT'S THE BLACK GHOSTBUSTER!

11. LOOK! IT'S WALTER FROM THE WARRIORS!

("HE SHOT CYRUS!")

12. LOOK! IT'S LORD NIKON FROM HACKERS!

13. ANTAGONIST TURNED INTO KITCHEN ACCESSORY

14. VENGEANCE

15. FOUR CANS OF GASOLINE EQUALS THIS

16. THE BAD GUYS HAVE NAMES LIKE FUNBOY, TIN TIN, AND TOP DOLLAR

17. MAIN BAD GUY LOOKS LIKE

GARY OLDMAN HAD A BABY WITH

TABOO FROM BLACK EYED PEAS

18. CAMERON DIAZ TURNED DOWN THE ROLE

OF SHELLY BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE SCRIPT

19. THE JOKES: "JESUS CHRIST WALKS INTO A HOTEL.

HE HANDS THE INNKEEPER THREE NAILS AND ASKS

'CAN YOU PUT ME UP FOR THE NIGHT?'"

20. THE CROW POSSESSES THE POWER TO

WILL MORPHINE OUT OF A WHORE'S ARM

21. EPILEPTIC MINDREADING FLASHBACKS

22. PROOF THAT BRANDON LEE'S CAREER
WAS ON THE SAME TRACK AS BRANDON LEE

23. THE REALLY GREAT DIALOGUE

24. PATRIOTIC ROOFTOP GUITAR SOLO

25. LOOKS LIKE DARK CITY26. T-BIRD, WE HARDLY KNEW YE

27. THIS

28. VIGILANTE JUSTICE

29. GRIZZLED-FACED LIEUTENENT

30. AND DON'T FORGET THIS! 31. FANTASTIC SETS 32. THE DETROIT ARSONIST LEAGUE 33. STARRING HEATH LEDGER AS THE JOKER 34. COPS WHO CONSTANTLY SAY "WHAT THE CRAP?"

35. THE CROW IS SO 1990'S

THAT EVEN PEOPLE WHO'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE

FEEL NOSTALGIC

36. JUMPING FROM ROOFTOP TO ROOFTOP

IN SLOW MOTION

37. ALL THE BEST SCENES TAKE PLACE DURING RAINSTORMS

38. EXCEPT FOR THE SCENES

THAT TAKE PLACE DURING

MONEY STORMS

477 Movies in 365 Days

On November, 6th 2008 I began keeping a list of all the movies I watched. That night, Whitney and I watched High Sierra (1941). The list progressed and progressed until the other night when we watched May (2002). From beginning to end, 365 days had past, and I had watched 477 movies. The 14-Hour Halloween Horror Movie Marathon certainly gave a nice boost for the end of the year, as did the 31 Days of Horror that preceded. Looking back on the list today, a recap was definitely necessary.

Here are the Top 20 Movies that I watched for the first time during these 365 days.

There's not in any order (except for Push coming in at #1) but if you click on the links they'll take you to either reviews that I've written or other reviews that I really enjoyed.

One will take you to the best parody poster ever created.

Push: Based on the Novel by Sapphire (2009)
The Wrestler (2008)
Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains (1981)
This is the Life: How the West was One (2008)
Little Dieter Needs to Fly (1997)
Crips and Bloods: Made in America (2008)
Paranoid Park (2008)
Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice (1969)
500 Days of Summer (2008)
World’s Greatest Dad (2009)
Westworld (1973)
The Hurt Locker (2009)
Junior High School (1978)
Wendy and Lucy (2008)
A Letter to Three Wives (1949)
The Fly (1986)
Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)
The Entity (1981)
Paranormal Activity (2007)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

Month of Horror: The Missing Days

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

If any of the movies on this list deserve its own post, it's Behind the Mask. A mockumentary about a Michael Myers-style serial killer sounds like the equation for an unbearable gimmicky film but that's not the case here. Before the movie had ended, I had purchased my copy off of Amazon for a ridiculously low price. The only reason Behind the Mask made it into the Month of Horror schedule was because of its numerous inclusions on "Best Horror Comedy" lists I read through about four weeks ago. I should track down those list-writers and thank them. And you should thank me once you watch this and love it as much as I did. If I could recommend one movie from these 31 horrific days, this would be the one.

Misery
Misery is the best Stephen King adaptation that's ever been commited to film. And that's including 1408. This year, my Halloween costume consisted of a brown wig, a turtleneck top, a blue jumper, and a mallet. Anyone care to guess who I went as?

Zombieland

Zombieland is the best horror comedy since Shaun of the Dead (were there others?) and the type of movie I'll end up seeing in theaters multiple times. Waiting for an eventual DVD release just doesn't seem possible. The narrative is well-structured, the comedy is tight, and the movie is fun. Really fun. The only downside comes in Jesse Eisenberg's performance (picture Michael Cera-lite) which is only minorly bothersome.

The Entity

With all the hype swirling around Paranormal Activity (the most profitable movie of all-time), it was only a matter of time before someone mentioned The Entity in their review. That person wasn't going to be me, I'd never heard of The Entity before. Whitney's friend Jacob is the man to thank for hearing about this movie (through me, of course). This movie, like Behind the Mask, really deserved its own post but an overwhelmingly busy schedule just didn't allow it. Whether or not you enjoyed PA, the odds that you'll enjoy The Entity is high, really high, Cheech and Chong high. That is, if you can stand to watch a movie about ghost rape. Barbara Hershey (Hannah and Her Sisters) stars as a single mom who starts getting harassed by an unseen force. The attacks come at random with without explaination. Together, a duo of supernatual experts and Hershey decide to take on whatever's targeted her. The Entity will most likely end up on the MoH's Top 5 list. Ignore the terrible DVD cover art and watch the awesome movie.

Pumpkinhead

Want to know how bad Pumpkinhead is? The first thirty minutes are far more engrossing than the last sixty. It's always a bad sign when the titular monster shows up and the movie gets steadily worse and worse. Following a Southern father and his adorable Coke-bottle glasses-wearing son as they go through their daily rituals is 30x more interesting and watching Pumpkinhead exude lameness.

Stigmata

How to Ruin Your Daughter's Life in Three Easy Steps: Step One - Buy a stolen crucifix that used to belong to a beloved Latin American priest. Step Two - Mail it to her. Step Three - Actually, that's all you have to do. There is no step three. I guess, if you wanted to, you could tell her that she's adopted and that her birthparents were Osmonds. That'd suck. Stigmata looks so cool that, at times, you get distracted that the plot is stupid and the movie's not really worth watching.

Psycho

Caught Hitchcock's classic at a free screening at Utah's best theater, Brewvies, where you can get burgers, fries, corndogs, pizzas, beers, and pretty much whatever else you're in the mood for and eat during the screening. The crowd was unruly and the DVD was projected in the wrong aspect ratio which made for an unforgetable night. The cast looked like midgets and the crowd came up with a drinking game for everytime a "dead thing!" showed up on screen. Maybe it was the 90+ cuts, but by the time the infamous shower scene had ended, I had forgotten all about the game. That's when one guy hit his cue with perfect timing. "DEAD THING!" Great night. Lots of fun. The only downside was when my wife won a DVD copy of the Last House on the Left remake...what if she makes me watch it? At least our Month of Horror is almost over!

Black Sunday

Mario Bava's gruesome story about vengeful witch who gets The Devil's Mask nailed to her face in a major way. The opening scene to Black Sunday is unforgettable. The subsequent scenes...not so much. It's beautifully shot; the Italian exploitation movie uses light and shadows with an expertise usually reserved for German Expressionism. The narrative is lacking, and at time, boring, but if you're going to watch one of Bava's films, this should be the one.

Swamp Thing

A campy retelling of the Frakenstein legend. Wes Craven stood at bat twice, both as writer and director. The result of his comic book adaptation is an If Troma Has Money type of film that falls somewhere between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze and that Captain America movie no one else seems to remember. When you're thirty days into your Month of Horror, Swamp Thing is a welcomed change of pace. It's worth watching just for the monsterous sword fight in the film's finale. It's the best fight scene since ZOMBIE VS. SHARK!

[Note: Sorry about the messed up indentations and any other uglified elements you're not used to seeing at He Shot Cyrus. Blogger has decided to be difficult lately and as much as I hate it, switching to a Dot Com just makes me queezy.]

[Note: Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.]

Month of Horror - MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT

I BURY THE LIVING!
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2
SHAUN OF THE DEAD
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS
JU-ON
THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS

HALLOWEEN

14-Hour Horror Movie Marathon
Halloween Party
At My House!

Month of Horror - Day 26: Zombie

Zombies are the best monsters ever. Vampires are boring. Wolfmen show up as frequenly as periods. Mummies remind me of the Michelin Man. Zombies travel in packs, eat human flesh, and have no qualms about ruining your life.

Along with Ghoulies and Condorman, the movie poster for Zombie has stuck with me since childhood. It's sat on the Instant Queue (isn't it nice how that phrase has entered filmlovers' vocab this year?) for a while, waiting for the perfect time to either sink or swim. Well folks, tonight was the night, and this movie swims. It's the Michael Phelps of Italian zombie pictures. If it weren't for a few lesser scenes, one could argue this movie against Dawn of the Dead as the best late-70s flesh-eating flick.

The blood, gore, and general "grossness" of Zombie put the movie on a fast track toward Video Nasty lists all over Europe. It earned an X rating here in the States. The poster has nothing on the cool stuff you'll see in the movie. Director Lucio Fulci had a thing for letting the characters' insides trade places with their outsides. And then there's the eye-gouging scene. The eye-gouging scene will stick with you into your last days.

Like other Italian horror movies, it's easy to spot which actors are actually speaking English and which ones recorded their scenes in Italian and were dubbed over. All of the performances are equally strong; none of the characters really stick out past one another. But some of the scenes stick out so much further than the others. I mentioned the eye-gouging but I didn't mention the shark!

This is the only movie in existence to have a ZOMBIE VS. SHARK BATTLE! It's okay if you don't believe your eyes, because I didn't at first either. But here's photographic evidence that someone, somewhere, filmed an underwater scene between God's two greatest creatures. And don't just think that they wrestle around a little and that's it. Oh no no no, there's blood, my friends. But I can't tell you whose.

We've watch a lot of good movies this month, but this one gets the El Gringo Official Tip of the Afro. If you don't believe me, take a look at this picture of Danny DeVito right after he watched Zombie.

Month of Horror - Day 24: Fido

Timmy Robinson is a typical 1950s American boy in a not-so-typical 1950s America. The same radiation we hoped would warm our burritos has also had some adverse effects on our country's dead. Thirty years after the Zombie War, a powerful corporation called ZombieCom developed domesticization collars which would allow good ol' fashioned white folk to turn the undead into unpaid servants. It's difficult to ignore that there aren't any black people in this U.S.A. and that's the definitely not in the film by accident. Racial injustice is one of the many issues that Fido tries to touch on. Zombie films have commented on social issues before (Night of the Living Dead and racism, Dawn of the Dead and consumerism) but I don't know if any of them have tried to tackle as many as Fido. And while that sets Fido up to be stronger, the result is a film that's been spread too thin.

Fido is Zombie Lite. The gore is PG-13. The humor chuckle-inspiring. Think "Leave it to Beaver" + Shaun of the Dead + Far from Heaven. Dad works too hard, mom's unhappy in her marriage, child's feeling neglected, dad is replaced by a zombie-minority, corporate America attacks the transformed family who rebels and solidifies their status, which is then misreported by the news media. Whew. Fido tried to be a lot of things but all it really ends up being is a cute, charming, nice, light movie that speaks softly on important issues while lacking the confidence to say what it means.

Month of Horror - Day 23: Lady in White

"Harold Williams is a perfect scapegoat! He's black!"

The year is 1962.

Frankie gets trapped in a school closet without The Neverending Story to keep him occupied, he's forced to spend his holiday weekend watching ghost children get assaulted and being choked to near-death from a masked intruder with a passion for strangling youngsters.

Things get a lot more boring for Frankie when his Italian corn-farming, iron-working family takes him home to await the fate of a framed man named Harold Williams, who's more affectionately refered to as "that black son of a bitch." Tension mounts within the community as Williams' family is harassed by white churchgoers (go figure). During all this, some sort of spirit woman stands outside of Frankie's window, the little girl from the closet hangs out by his Christmas tree, and the voice narration (think: Dreyfuss in Stand By Me) refuses to quit.

The production history of the film is deserves to be discussed. Determined to avoid working with studios, writer and director Frank LaLoggia teamed up with a relative who knew about the stock market. They turned their independent production company into a publicly traded penny stock. Eventually, they raised the 5 million bucks they needed to shoot and got to work. Once the film was completed, they shopped it around to distributors until they got the deal that worked for them. Unfortunately, the movie only went on to make about 1.7 million in the U.S. With all due respect LaLoggia and his vision, but I understand why more people didn't fall in love with film. 1. It's too long. 2. Nothing happens.

The ghosts don't haunt, they ask favors. The Lady in White is pretty much...a ghost who wears a white dress. Although, fans of "Who's the Boss" will be pleasantly surprised with the Sister of the Lady in White, a sequel I plan on writing. The mystery surrounding the cloakroom and series of murders that have taken place in the town eventually gets answered but it's all pretty unconvincing. Harold Williams is released but it wasn't clear why. The actual killer gives himself away. But while it may have its problems, I have to happy that the man who didn't want to make a studio picture didn't have to make a studio picture. Overall, the look of the film is very professional while the narrative is creative. I'm glad I saw it but I wouldn't watch it again.